3 New Insights About Dating From Matthew Hussey
For my second book report: World-renowned Dating Coach Matthew Hussey’s 2013 best seller, Get The Guy.
The cheeky title is meant as a double entendre. The book aims to help single, heterosexual women both GET the guy (find the man of their dreams) and get the guy (understand the mystifying male psyche). I follow Matthew Hussey’s Youtube channel and Instagram because I think, from a dating coach’s perspective, he creates a ton of high-value content. Plus, the guy dated Camila Cabello, so clearly he knows what he’s doing.
Written in 2013, there are a few ideas in this book that are already slightly outdated. Modern culture moves fast. It’s also worth caveating that Hussey makes a lot of broad generalizations about the roles men and women play in courtship in effort to be as helpful as possible to as many people as possible. These conversations ALWAYS merit more nuance, but concise advice is often the most digestible.
That said, Hussey provides an insightful breakdown of contemporary romance that would be useful to any straight woman looking to learn the basics.
Even as someone who reads this stuff like it’s my job (it is), I was delighted to be surprised by these three insights:
1) Why Online Dating Is So Much Harder.
“Normally, when we meet someone we’re into, we arrange a date with them because there’s chemistry. With online dating, we arrange it to find out if there’s chemistry.” — Matthew Hussey
If I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard, “I HATE online dating,” I wouldn’t be rich, but I’d have around forty or fifty extra bucks. I’ve spent countless hours discussing what it was about online dating that is so uncomfortable and Hussey hits the nail right on the head. In real life, when you meet someone during class, in line at a cafe, or out at a party, you schedule a date with someone because attraction and chemistry already exist.
We mistakenly think, because we only swipe right on people we find attractive, attraction is a shoo-in with online dating. It’s not. Attraction and chemistry are the outcomes of a complex formula of inputs like personality, sense of humor, mannerisms, the way they hold themselves, the way they interact with others. No matter how thoughtfully crafted, no dating profile can provide a 100% guarantee that chemistry will spark in person.
Once you change your mentality to view online dating as an opportunity to meet attractive people and practice your dating expertise, the whole process becomes a lot more enjoyable. As a bonus, the more you enjoy yourself in dating, the more success you’ll have at finding someone special.
2) The Power of an Abundance Mindset.
“We always have to have the abundance mindset. If a guy doesn’t live up to your standards, there are a thousand others who will.” — Matthew Hussey
First, If you’re the kind of woman who dates multiple men at a time and has a hard time choosing just one, you likely don’t need to lean too far into this mentality. You already have an intuitive sense of abundance. Whether or not an introspection on a reluctance to commit could be helpful…only you can know.
For those who tend to overinvest in one person too early on (incidentally), an abundance mentality is an empowering reframe. With a scarcity mindset — meaning a belief that there are very few good men out there — I’d enter dates with Everest-height hopes.
I’d think: Maybe he will be the exception. He could be the one!
This, of course, has two possible outcomes:
- The date is a bust, there was no spark, and you did not build a connection. You call an uber and sullenly ride home deflated from another failed attempt at finding your soulmate.
- The date goes well, you schedule a second date, and your imagination is off to the races. You’re dreaming about future vacations, meeting families, the house you’ll build together. It’s a slippery slope from hopeful to delusional.
If instead, you always keep in mind that you can connect with many people, you’re much less likely to put too much pressure on an early relationship. Early courtship is arguably the most crucial, delicate period of dating. Prevent yourself from applying too much pressure to something without the foundation to withstand it by maintaining an abundance mindset. Side benefit: you’re also much more inclined to uphold your standards, which the right guy will find very attractive.
3) Let Men Be Useful!
“Men live to serve women on a level that most men will never admit and most women will never understand.” — Matthew Hussey
It is NOT anti-feminist to let a man give you his jacket when it is cold outside. You can still be an independent, high-earning woman AND let him pay for drinks (my first-date recommendation: offer to split but graciously accept if he offers to pay). Yes, you are strong and more than capable of carrying that bag of groceries, but he wants to carry them for you. Let him be useful to you! It makes him feel valuable, which he is.
Speaking of dating expenses, a quick note on dating investment by gender: I’ve heard men complain about how expensive dating can be, especially considering there’s an expectation men will be the ones to foot the bill. I am here to make the case that women spend, on average, significantly more before the date to be competitive in the dating arena. Adhering to beauty norms for many women includes expensive haircuts/styling, manicures/pedicures, waxing, makeup, spray tans, the list goes on. This doesn’t even factor in the pink tax. Many men think they want a “low-maintenance” woman, but what they really want is a woman who adheres to cultural beauty norms that, like it or not, is expensive. In the end, I think it probably evens out if the man decides to cover the first few dates.
TL,DR
As an introduction to the psychology of dating as a heterosexual woman, Get The Guy is a good read.
Was this helpful for you? Do you have any books you’d like me to review next? Are you trying out an abundance mindset? Let me know! I’d love to hear from you.
