How Reading Esther Perel Can Revamp Your Sex Life
“Reconciling the erotic and the domestic is not a problem to solve; it is a paradox to manage.”
I’ve been reading (and rereading) any books I can get my hands on about relationships. Instead of talking my roommate’s ear off (s/o @alydoop for her eternal patience) about what I’ve learned, I’ve decided to write mini book reports. Hopefully, these will serve as a way for me to cement my learnings and you to learn about the variety of resources and ideas available to you and your loved one.
Most recently, I revisited Esther Perel’s Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence. The first time I read this book, I was in the crisis mode of a long-term relationship. We were deciding whether or not to move forward (read: get married) or get out of dodge before investing too much time in a partnership with an expiration date. I remember sifting through Perel’s words, only extracting the snippets relevant to our issue at hand. In doing so, I unwittingly put blinders up to 95% of the content. Upon my second read as an unattached woman, the fullness of her work struck me like a ton of bricks. I examined her ideas without fear of or resentment for the often-uncomfortable truths about love and desire she uncovers.
Perel describes desire in terms of ‘Eros.’ Eros was the Greek god of love, passion, and physical desire. In this context, eros means “life force” or quite literally the opposite of death instinct. So, eros is alive and well in moments when enjoying something you love like painting, listening to music, eating a delicious meal, or relaxing in a cool lake on a hot summer day. For many, the most stimulating peaks of eros occur when lusting after, or falling in love with, someone new. We fondly recall early moments that packed potent emotional charges. We attribute the high to the joy of falling in love. It is often forgotten, however, that much of the excitement is rooted in the uncertainty of young romance.
Almost every partnership experiences a wane in desire, whether that happens after a few months or a few years. A 2014 survey conducted by Relationships in America reports that 12% of all married persons between the ages of 18–60 hadn’t had sex with their partner in over three months. For some, a “sexless marriage” is a small price to pay for companionship and stability. For others, sex is a cornerstone of satisfaction in a relationship. A 2007 Pew Research survey reports a ‘happy sexual relationship’ is the second most important contributor to ‘What makes a marriage work’ (faithfulness was #1). The day will come when partners look at each other and realize the butterflies have settled down and their blood doesn’t boil quite as hot as it used to. Perel’s 30+ years of experience working with couples purports: this is NOT a reason to panic. Eros is a force that ebbs and flows. Just as desire was lost, it can be found, though likely not in the same way.
Perel argues intention is a crucial ingredient to cultivating desire. One of the least helpful mentalities to take regarding sex is that it should just happen, naturally and spontaneously. This belief is fueled by the ease with which our desire arises in early relationships. But it’s all too easy when it’s early. Your brain is flooded with love neurotransmitters, namely dopamine, released by your genetic wiring to procreate. Further, there’s a lot of intention involved in the courtship stage. Dating involves deciding when to rendezvous, what restaurant to try, which movie to see, what outfit to wear, and what music to listen to. All this planning builds an erotic charge ready to be released when the date finally arrives. When practicality meets marriage, sex is often the afterthought of a long day of working or taking care of the kids. It’s no mystery then why someone may not be revved up fifteen minutes before bedtime.
An example step-by-step on bringing intention back into the bedroom:
- Pick a date at least a week ahead of time. Anticipation is an aphrodisiac to be harnessed.
- Pick an activity out of the ordinary for you, such as mini-golfing, dance lessons, or ceramics.
- Select your outfit ahead of time and keep it a secret until the night of.
- Getting excited? Send a suggestive text or photo the day before. As far as eros is concerned, the more daydreaming and fantasizing, the better.
A second, perhaps more challenging, ingredient of desire involves emotions and experiences such as curiosity and autonomy. While stability and routine provide comfort and security, they are not very sexy. There exists a fundamental tradeoff between security and desire or, as Perel puts it, “Reconciling the erotic and the domestic is not a problem to solve; it is a paradox to manage.”
Here are a couple methods for cultivating desire
- Curiosity, while very sexy, is tricky to ignite when you feel like you know everything about your partner. One tactic is to spend more time apart pursuing your own interests, enjoying your own friends, and generally living your own life. This experience provides more to discover about your partner at the day’s end. A more experimental tactic: spend a night apart doing whatever you’d like (within the bounds of your relationship’s contract) and deliberately keep your experience a mystery to your partner.
- Sexual autonomy, the notion that our partner is a sexual being with their own turn-ons and desires independent of us, can be very erotic. It’s important to remember that our partners choose us, just as much as we choose them. One sexual autonomy exercise is to learn about each other’s fantasies. This conversation acknowledges autonomy by recognizing the different traits, scenarios, and ideas that turn you each on. A more experimental exercise: watch your partner flirt in a non-threatening context (e.g., with a waiter at the restaurant or the clerk at the grocery store). This exercise might be risky for people who move towards destructive behavior when feeling jealous, but, for some, a quick reminder that their partner has options and a light dose of jealousy for their diverted attention can go a long way in the bedroom.
Desire can be elusive and doesn’t always behave the way we expect. There’s no sure-fire method that will work for every couple. Perhaps the most exciting revelation from Mating in Captivity was learning about the myriad of delightfully inventive ways couples develop to spice up their relationship. Think of recultivating desire as a creative, playful adventure you and your partner are embarking on. As with starting all journeys, it’s as easy as taking the first step!
Are you and your partner interested in spicing up your relationship? Schedule an introductory coaching session with me to see if we’re a good fit!
Just for fun, I’ve included a mini-mystery in this post. I’m offering two free coaching sessions to the first person who DMs me the solution and shares this post!
